WSPD 2020

Disclaimer: This post is a little on the heavier side. If you’re not in a good space mentally for reading this, please consider saving it for another time. Take care of yourself. Also, I am doing okay, please don’t worry about me.

Song recommendation: Zombie by Day6 

I was a bit nervous to make such a serious, personal post. I’m not one to really share my emotions and inner thoughts with others. It’s uncomfortable and scary to be vulnerable. But as C.S. Lewis quotes “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” So here I am. Plus, this topic is really special to me, so I hope to share my thoughts on it in an effort to shed light on such an important issue, as well as provide some comfort for those struggling just like me. Let’s get started.

To be completely honest, I thought there wasn’t much worth living for with all that’s been going on. For instance, I’m living in a country where I don’t speak the language, away from my parents and close friends. I’m stuck inside this 9-5 work cycle everyday with very little time for fun things, let alone coming home to a lonely home (a little less lonely now with a kitty). Even when there is time for fun things, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, so I can’t actually do fun things. When I saw the message for this year’s World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD), I was skeptical. Is there anything worth living for? Is there an end to this pandemic, to the long distance between my loved ones and me, to the sometimes crushing loneliness I feel? It was hard to feel anything for this important day. 

But then I think of how selfish I must seem. I have a steady-paying job, which includes pretty decent health insurance. I have relatively close friends whom I can rely on while being away from my parents. I have a roof over my head, a bed, clothes, food, water, and enough money to live. My loved ones are all healthy. BTS is out there doing cool things, which I get to enjoy. So maybe there are some things worth living for. However, if I know anything about my own mental health is that it’s hard to see the light when the darkness is smothering everything. That saying “without darkness, there is no light” really comes to mind during these trying times. I have a good life. I really do. I am incredibly blessed to have the things I have and to be loved by the people I love. But how I wish it were that easy to just focus on the good things.

My point with writing this blog isn’t to make anyone feel sad or worried for me (apologies if I’ve already done so!), but to ironically, shed light on this year’s World Suicide Prevention Day. The non-profit To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) has been an incredibly dear organization to me for the past seven years. I’ve found comfort in their blog posts and the messages of hope they proclaim. Despite how much darkness exists in this world, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in my pain.

And despite the difficulties I’m facing right now with my own mental health, I am incredibly thankful to be alive at this moment. While I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, I know it’s there. I know if I keep moving forward, I will reach it one day. There are things worth living for right now, at this very moment. I encourage you to think of what’s worth living for to you. Share your thoughts with those close to you. Let them know you love them, and you’re thankful they’re alive today. If you’re able, please consider donating to TWLOHA as well for their WSPD. Now more than ever, people need help. They need to know that there’s light even in the midst of the darkness. And that while the light might be small—just like how tiny stars look from Earth—those same stars shine brighter than we thought possible. I’d like to think that we’re capable of shining brighter than we thought possible.

Here are some things I find worth living for:

1. For that day I finally get to hug my parents in person again
2. Seeing BTS in concert again–literally anything BTS does is worth living for
3. Cooler days and the changing colors of leaves
4. Wearing sweaters and boots again (can you tell I like the fall?)
5. Exploring more of Korea once it’s safe 
6. Trying new food places with new friends
7. Long walks along quieter city streets
8. An iced caramel macchiato while watching the rain come down

To wrap it up, if you’re like me, the thought of “worth living for” may seem rather tough to think positively about. And that’s okay. I know I personally won’t be jumping about and smiling non-stop just because there’s things to live for. Healing takes time. It takes time to feel like yourself again, and sometimes you think you’re doing good, but you fall right back into the pain and the hopelessness. And that’s okay too. There’s no correct timeline of healing. It may prove difficult, but surround yourself with people who can encourage you, who love you, and want the best for you. Be there for them too. 

There’s this book that I’m currently re-reading that has helped me through difficult times. It’s called “Reasons to Stay Alive” by Matt Haig. I want to share one of my favorite quotes from the book. It’s rather lengthy but worth the read.

You will one day experience joy that matches this pain. You will cry euphoric tears at the Beach Boys, you will stare down at a baby’s face as she lies asleep in your lap, you will make great friends, you will eat delicious foods you haven’t tried yet, you will be able to look at a view from a high place and not assess the likelihood of dying from falling. There are books you haven’t read yet that will enrich you, films you will watch while eating extra-large buckets of popcorn, and you will dance and laugh and have sex and go for runs by the river and have late-night conversations and laugh until it hurts. Life is waiting for you. You might be stuck here for a while, but the world isn’t going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can. Life is always worth it.

I want to believe this is true. I want to experience joy that matches this pain I feel. And I think one day I will get there. It might not be this grand explosion of happiness that stays with me forever. Joy might just be in the little things. So please, keep living my friends. Keep fighting for brighter days. Tell those you love that you love them. Don’t stop fighting for your future. Find that something that is worth living for.

Here are some resources:

About TWLOHA https://twloha.com/learn/ 

Find Help (US) https://twloha.com/find-help/

Find Help (International) https://twloha.com/find-help/international-resources/

WSPD 2020 https://give.twloha.com/campaign/world-suicide-prevention-day-2020/c292636